Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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