I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
