I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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