Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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