the only muscles i have these days is kegels
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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