dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
