walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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