Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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