walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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