Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
