I'm so fucking centered right now
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
