hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
