Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
