the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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