i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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