I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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