Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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