she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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