Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
