the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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