When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
