i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
