I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
