Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
