You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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