It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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