I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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