You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
