I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
