This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
