I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
