Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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