Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
