I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
