He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
