Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
