So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
50% drunk capacity currently
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize