areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
