I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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