My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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