So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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