You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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