I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
