I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
