I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize