totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
