It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
