Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
A+ Viking dick
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
