I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
