And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize