Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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