very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
