in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
