He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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