He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
