You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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