My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have post one night stand depression
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
