As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
