Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
