A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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