I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
