Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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