new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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