is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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