one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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