Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
