At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
