I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Two words: blizzard sex
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize